REVIEW: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, & Paul Lovett

Starring:

Channing Tatum

Marlon Wayans

Dennis Quaid

Sienna Miller

Ray Park

Rachel Nichols

Byung-hun Lee

Rated PG-13 for Strong Sequences of Action Violence and Mayhem Throughout

IMDb Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1046173/

Now this is what summer movies are all about! "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" embodies everything that comes with the label of "Summer Blockbuster". It boasts a cast of both male and female "hotties" so no matter what sex you are as an audience member, they have someone to flaunt in front of you, special effects on a massive scale, plenty of cheesy one-liners, and the destruction of at least one major monument. In all these respects, "Rise of Cobra" delivers, but in the realm of a tangible story, three-dimensional characters that you can empathize/sympathize with, and the ability to stand alone as a movie in case the film doesn't make enough money to merit a sequel, "Rise of Cobra" does not live up to its tagline, "When all else fails, they don't..." Now, I know that the beginning of this review may be a bit confusing, so you may be asking yourself, "Did he like this movie or not? Is it good, should I go see it?" Well now, that is several questions in one, so let me address each one of them in turn: Is this a good movie? - No

Should you go see it? - Probably not

Did I like this movie? - No, but damn did I have fun!

This revelation may come as a surprise, but let me walk you through my thought process a bit. This is NOT a good movie, it is full of flat, unlikeable, stereotypical characters, a story that feels thrown together, is full of plotholes, and feels more like a giant cold open to what studios will be establishing as the G.I. Joe movie franchise. But, and take this but with a grain of salt, I had more fun watching this movie than I have with any other film of this scale all summer. The enjoyment I felt during Transformers, District 9, or even Harry Potter all were trumped by the satirical mix of dread, absurdity, and sheer "kick-ass" that I felt during "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." There may be no film that I have ever seen where I have groaned more, had my face in my hands more often, and still left the theater charged with the excitement that I was given from the film, simply because of how bad it was. This movie even confused me with my own emotions. My best friend had been counting down the days to this disaster, and I had kept my resolve in saying that I would not see the movie, no matter how much he begged me to go with him. But then he touched my Achilles heel, when my other best friend, a Polish immigrant with a hilariously warped view of American society, and a love of action, came to visit and he pointed out that it would be a sin not to see this movie with him. I was sold, I would go if I was going with Konrad. Everyone else who I saw the movie with smiled with excitement as the house lights dimmed, and I slumped into my seat prepared to be bombarded with two hours of garbage, which is exactly what I got. But when the movie finished and the end credits started to roll, I jumped out of my seat with a smile on my face and began berating the movie for being simultaneously awesome and terrible. I do believe that I had more fun than anyone I was with that night.

Rather than abbreviate the plot of the movie like I usually do in my reviews, I will simply cut and paste the synopsis from Wikipedia, because this ass-backwards story is far too complex, and lame for me to summarize in a way to make you want to see the movie. In the near future, weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) has created a nanotechnology-based weapon capable of destroying an entire city. His company MARS sells four warheads to NATO, and the U.S. Army is tasked with delivering the warheads. Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are delivering the warheads when they are ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller), whom Duke recognizes to be his ex-fiancee, Ana Lewis. Duke and Ripcord are rescued by Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-agbaje). They take the warheads to The Pit, G.I. Joe's command center in North Africa, and upon arriving rendezvous with the head of the G.I. Joe team, General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Hawk takes command of the warheads and excuses Duke and Ripcord, only to be convinced to let them join his group after Duke reveals that he knows the Baroness.

McCullen is revealed to be using the same nanotechnology to build an army of soldiers with the aid of the Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), planning on using the warheads to cause panic and bring about a new world order. Using a tracking device, McCullen locates the G.I. Joe base and sends Storm Shadow (Lee Byung Hun) and the Baroness to retrieve the warheads with assistance from Zartan (Arnold Vosloo). After a fight, Storm Shadow and the Baroness retrieve the warheads and take them to Baron DeCobray, the Baroness's husband, for him to weaponize, and use them to destroy the Eiffel Tower to serve as a show of the warhead's destructive power. Making their way to Paris, the Joes pursue them through the streets but are unsuccessful in stopping them from launching the missile. Duke manages to hit the kill switch and thus save Paris, but in doing so he is captured and taken to McCullen's base under the Arctic.

G.I. Joe locates the secret base and fly there as McCullen loads three missiles with nano-mite warheads. After Snake Eyes takes out one, Ripcord pursues the remaining missiles in a prototype Night Raven jet while Scarlett and her group infiltrate the base. While Scarlett and Snake Eyes attempt to shut down the Arctic base, with Heavy Duty leading an attack on Cobra's forces, Duke learns that the Doctor is Rex Lewis, Ana's brother believed to have been killed on a mission led by Duke four years ago. He was trapped in a bunker with Doctor Mindbender (Kevin O'Connor), disfigured in the blast which everyone presumed had killed him. The Baroness tries to free Duke but the Doctor reveals he has implanted her with nano-mites which has put her under his control for the past four years, admitting his amazement that she is resisting the programming. Attempting to kill Duke, McCullen ends up being facially burned as he flees with Rex to an escape vessel. Duke and the Baroness pursue him while the Joes fall back when Rex activated the base's self destruct sequence. During this Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes Face off. Snake Eyes stabs Storm Shadow and presumably kills him.

Rex then heals McCullen's burned face with nano-mites, encasing it in silver as he christens McCullen "Destro" and assumes the identity of Cobra Commander before they are captured by G.I. Joe soon after. On board the supercarrier USS Flagg, Baroness is placed in protective custody until they can remove the nano-mites from her body. Meanwhile, Zartan, having been earlier operated on by Rex, infiltrates the White House during the missile crisis and assumes the identity of the President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce).

So that's it, the flimsy plot of one of the summer's biggest movies. It is peppered with characters from Hasbro's G.I. Joe franchise, and that is the only reason it can even be called a "G.I. Joe movie," it is otherwise generic in every way. Now for just a few quick observations by me, because I worried about how long this review is getting, considering I didn't like this movie. This movie really should have been called, "G.I. Joe: Rise of the Flashback," because that seems to be the only way Stephen Sommers could think of to tell the story of these characters' pasts, and try and make us care about them. It didn't work, and every time the screen would suddenly wash with smoke and we would enter a flashback, there would be an audible exhale from the audience. This movie also could have been renamed "G.I. Joe: Return of the Mummy," because the movie felt like a reunion of Sommers' 1999 blockbuster, with Brendan Fraser, Kevin J. O'Connor, Arnold Vosloo (High Priest Imhotep himself!) all scoring major roles in "The Rise of Cobra." Speaking of actors we've seen, one of my favorite parts about "G.I. Joe," was seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt take up the mantle of Cobra Commander, the Joe's arch nemesis. After seeing Gordon-Levitt in "(500) Days of Summer," which still stands as my favorite movie of the summer, it was so fun seeing him play an evil genius in a huge summer blockbusters. As an actor who mainly does work on the independent circuit, you could see how much fun he was having making outlandish choices about the character's voice and movement, and it truly was bizarre, and very enjoyable to see. And last but not least, there is the argument that the female characters are written as weaker, submissive characters, who are only on screen for sex appeal, rather than compelling male characters. As a strong believer of equal rights, I think that this is crap, and to single out the female characters is only looking skin deep. There is no character in this movie who is there for more than sex appeal, and they are all as shallow as can be, male and female alike. But really, why are we even trying to dissect this movie down to that level?

Alright, that's it, because if I write anymore, I am going to try and start convincing myself that I liked the movie. Go see it if you wanna laugh as much as I did, or if you are a glutton for punishment, otherwise don't feel back about missing out on Dennis Quaid in a beret.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is now in theaters nationwide.

My Review: D